12 Step Recovery Jokes

We all need a little break from the seriousness of recovery. Humor can be good medicine. Watch out though, some of these border on racy – adults only please.

Q: Why did the accountant do so well in AA?

A: He was already a friend of bills.

Q: Why aren’t people in recovery good dancers?

A: They lose interest after twelve steps.

A few ex-drunks are telling war stories after a meeting ….

“There was this bar in Japan where they bring you warm Saki and massage your shoulders while you drink as much as you want,” said the first.

“Oh, that’s nothing. I was at a Hotel in Mumbai where you’d buy one whiskey and they’d refill the glass twice more – all while pretty girls danced for you.”

“Heck,” said the third, “There’s this bar in Dublin where as soon as they find out you’re a foreigner, they pay for all your drinks and then, after you’re tipsy, invite you into the back room where you get naked and have sex all night with the staff.”

“No way! Did that actually happen to you?”

“Well… not me. But it happened to my sister.”

An old ex-druggie is visiting his doctor. After a life of drinking and drugging, it’s taken a toll on his health.

“Well, Mr. Barton, you made it to 85, but I’m afraid I have bad news.”

“Tell it to me straight doc. I survived the booze and the cocaine, I can take it.”

“Your pancreas and kidneys are shot. Worse, you’ve got liver cancer. And the tests show early onset Alzheimer’s.”

“Geez, doc… Alzheimer’s — that’s the one that affects your memory, right?”

“I’m afraid so.”

Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

Jim is told by his sponsor that he needs to participate more in service work. So he applies for the position of treasurer. They hold a group conscience and ask him “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty-three.” After the interview, he realizes his mistake. He’s surprised when they inform he got the job, despite there being four other candidates.

“But I got the wrong answer,” he protests.

“Yeah, we know. But you were closest.”

Johnny B. is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.

“Sir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?”

“Well, officer, you’d be drinking too if you’d just killed your wife.”

“WHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?”

“The handgun is hidden under the seat. In the glove box, I stashed the heroin and a syringe I used to knock her out. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.”

The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny B. and calls for his sergeant. The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.

There’s no body in here,” he says to the patrolman. “I thought you said there was a homicide?”

The sergeant then looks in the glove box.

There isn’t any heroin and there’s no syringe,” he says. He then searches under the seat. “And no gun either.”

The sergeant turns to Johnny B. for an explanation.

“Gee, I bet he said I was drinking too.”

Where do calls go?

Calls to numbers on a specific treatment center listing will be routed to that treatment center. Calls to any general helpline (non-facility specific 1-8XX numbers) could be forwarded to SAMHSA or a verified treatment provider. Calls are routed based on availability and geographic location.

The 12Step.com helpline is free, private, and confidential. There is no obligation to enter treatment. In some cases, 12Step.com could charge a small cost per call, to a licensed treatment center, a paid advertiser, this allows 12Step.com to offer free resources and information to those in need by calling the free hotline you agree to the terms of use. We do not receive any commission or fee that is dependent upon which treatment provider a caller chooses.

HELP IS AVAILABLEHELP IS AVAILABLE888-905-9004Response time about 1 min | Response rate 100%
Who Answers?

Pin It on Pinterest